Over New Year’s a friend told me he resolved to give up cigars in 2012—except on special occasions. So I wondered what such a regime would look like for me, so I decided to craft the following smoking calendar for the next month, starting today, that would indicate special occasions on which I could smoke:
January 13: Well, I am not going to start quitting today as one should always taper into things of this nature. Smoke.
January 14: NFL divisional playoffs (New Orleans vs. San Francisco; Denver vs. New England). It is impossible to truly evaluate contests of such important without the help of a good cigar. Smoke.
January 15: NFL divisional playoffs. (New York Giants vs. Green Bay; Baltimore vs. Houston). See above. Also 45th anniversary of Super Bowl I (Green Bay 35-Kansas City 10). Smoke.
January 16: Martin Luther King Day. As this is a national holiday, it would seem almost sacrilegious to observe it without the sacrament of a cigar. Also 93rd anniversary of first day of Prohibition: necessary to strike a blow for freedom. Smoke.
January 17: Ninety-sixth anniversary of Professional Golf Association. Must show solidarity with golfers whose only respite from anti-smoking regulations is often on the links. Smoke.
January 18: Thesaurus Day, created to honor Peter Roget, the author of the foremost compendium of synonyms. What’s another way to say special occasion? Cigar? Smoke.
January 19: Edgar Allan Poe’s birthday. Ever read those stories? This guy was clearly smoking something. Smoke.
January 20: Fifty-first anniversary of inauguration of John F. Kennedy. He may have embargoed Cuban cigars, but not before he first filled his humidor with them. (Read the story in Cigar Aficionado, Autumn 1992.) Smoke.
January 21: Thirty-fifth anniversary of pardon of Vietnam War draft dodgers. If Jimmy Carter let them off the hook, can’t a guy get a pass for a cigar? Smoke.
January 22: NFL Conference Championships (winner New Orleans-Atlanta vs. New York Giants; winner Houston-Baltimore vs. New England; see Jan 14). Also Diane Lane’s 47th birthday and she’s still smokin’ hot. Smoke.
January 23: Ernie Kovacs’ birthday. The cigar was the trademark prop of this legendary comedian from the early days of television. His wife, Edie Adams, pitched Muriel Cigars: "Why don't you pick one up and smoke it sometime?" Also, “The A-Team first aired this day in 1983. Hannibal Smith loves it when a good plan comes together. Or as Mr. T would say: “I pity the fool who doesn’t…Smoke two.
January 24: Seventy-seventh anniversary of first beer sold in cans (Krueger’s). The drink bone is connected to the smoke bone. Smoke.
January 25: National Opposite Day. Clearly you have to do the opposite of what you had planned to do this day. Smoke.
January 26: Sts. Timothy and Titus Day. Smoke two.
January 27: Mikail Baryshnikov’s birthday. Cigar smoker profiled in December 1997 issue of Cigar Aficionado. Smoke.
January 28: Roger Vadim’s birthday. Vadim married Brigitte Bardot and Jane Fonda and had an affair with Catherine Deneuve. Have one in his memory. Smoke.
January 29: National Puzzle Day. Don’t worry, we have the answer. Smoke.
January 30: January 30 only comes once a year. Smoke.
January 31: Apollo 14 departs for the Moon, 1971. They lit a candle on that rocket, so can you, too. Smoke.
February 1: National Freedom Day. Hello!! Smoke.
February 2: Ground Hog’s Day. If you don’t lay down a cover of smoke, that rodent is bound to see his shadow. Smoke.
February 3: Candlemas. Simple: candles=lighters=cigars. Smoke.
February 4: Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin meet in Yalta, 1945. Smoke a Churchill.
February 5: Super Bowl Sunday (winner of New Giants-New Orleans vs. Baltimore). National Holiday. Smoke.
February 6: Babe Ruth’s birthday. ‘Nuff said. Smoke.
February 7: Beatles arrive in New York, 1964. “I went upstairs and had a smoke. Somebody spoke and I went into a dream.” Smoke.
February 8: William Tecumseh Sherman’s birthday. He burned the whole city of Atlanta, you can’t burn one cigar? Smoke.
February 9: Normandie burns in New York harbor. Again, a whole ocean liner burns, you can’t burn one cigar? Smoke.
February 10: Boris Pasternak’s birthday. The Russian poet and translator. Pasternak became an international symbol of the incorruptible moral courage of an artist in conflict with his political environment. Strike a blow for freedom. Smoke.
February 11: Thomas Edison’s birthday (profiled in Cigar Aficionado, December 1997). He lit the first light bulb and plenty of cigars as well. Smoke.
February 12: Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. Two words: Emancipation Proclamation. Smoke.